Rules
by SiofraPrince
Summary: Or...Things not to say and/or do around Natasha Romanoff/Natalie Rushman/ Natashalie/ Black Widow/ Agent Romanoff/ Nat/ Tasha. Contains most Avengers.
1. Natalia Alianova Romanova

**Tori: Soooo, yeah. Tori hit a brick wall while writing ****_Searching_****, so she decided to write a quick one-shot, spurred on by her friend being a nutcase ****_Avengers_**** fan.**

**I do not own any of the character; Stan Lee is amazing.**

**Things not to say or do to Natasha Romanoff/ Natalie Rushman/ Natashalie/ Black Widow.**

_Collaboration between the Avengers, and various personal of Stark Industries._

1) Ask her what happened at Budapest-

"_How do you remember Budapest? Oh, come on Tash, it was a perfectly innocent question! You don't have to glare at me."_

\- **_Clint_**

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2) Sing '**_Itsy-bitsy-spider'_** over and over again in her room-

"_Tony was working on a mind serum so that Bucky could get his memories back. He slipped it into my drink, I'm sorry."_

_ –__**Bruce**_

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3) Dye her uniform pink or any other colours-

"_I didn't know that those chemicals would have that reaction with your uniform! I was only trying to make it flame-proof!"_

_ -__**Bruce.**_

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4) Paint rainbows, flowers and unicorns in her room-

"_I am sorry shield-sister, but the Man of Iron told me that this was to be the Lady Darcy's room."_

_-__**Thor**_

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5) Trade her guns for Nerf Rebelle guns-

"_But Tashaaaa. The whole idea of a Nerf war is to use Nerf guns, not real ones!"_

_-__** Clint**_

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6) Ask her "**_If Clint is Legolas, does that make you Tauriel?"_** –

"_You even have red hair like her! See, you two are so elves! You have the ninja skills as well!"_

_\- __**Tony**_

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7) Drink her favourite vodka without offering her some-

"_Sorry Natasha. Bucky and I wanted to see if we could get drunk on the really good stuff that has a stronger alcohol percentage. Maybe next time?"_

_\- __**Steve**_

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8) Replace her knives with plastic ones-

"_I'm not gonna wake you up when Clint's not here if you're gonna try to gut me every time I wake you."_

_\- __**Bucky**_

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9) Make her watch the interrogation with Loki, several times-

"_Agent Romanoff, it is against SHIELD regulations to interrogate a prisoner for personal gain."_

_\- __**Fury**_

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10) Ask her is love exists, numerous times –

"_Are you sure that it doesn't exist? Why is it only for children? What is it between you and Barton, if it isn't love? What proof do you have that it doesn't exist?"_

_\- __**Loki**_

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11) Give her a spider plushy toy with a tag that says "**I found ur sister!"-**

"_Come on Tasha, it was a joke. Really Tasha. Tasha? No, please don't hit me?!"_

_\- __**Clint**_

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12) Give her a real spider and ask if they're related-

"_Are you sure you two aren't related? Look, you're both giving me the same evil glare, and you're both about to attack me."_

_ –__**Tony**_

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13) Play '_Black Widow'_ by Iggy Azalea every time she walks into the room-

"_This is totally your theme song; it's even about killing men!"_

_\- __**Darcy**_

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14) Ask her if "**Because you're the Black Widow, does that make Spiderman your dad?"**_-_

_ "Sorry if I'm a bit confused about your family. Hey, if he is, then he can totally kick Clint's butt when you take him to meet your parents."_

_\- __**Tony**_

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15) Tell her Barton's been compromised on April Fools-

"_April Fools Day is about telling jokes, Natasha. He's really not compromised, so snap out of it, okay? Natasha, you're starting to freak me out here; say something!"_

_\- __**Jane**_

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16) Crawl through the air vents above her room-

"_Holy crap! Tasha, it's just me! Why are you trying to kill me?! I thought we'd gotten past that stage!?"_

_-__** Clint**_

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17) Split her up from Clint and give them solo missions-

"_Natasha, it was a three day mission, and you took less than three hours to make the assassination. Then, you jump ship and avoid your extraction team, and join Clint in Dubai, help him kill his target, before coming home with him. What part of __**'solo mission' **__do you not understand?"_

_\- __**Maria**_

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18) Lie to her about deaths-

"_I understand that you were upset over my death and later Fury's, but can you please not try your hardest to send us back to the afterlife after we woke up, and after everything else was dealt with?"_

_\- __**Coulson**_

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**_Thank you for reading, now please review!_**

**_The box is empty and needs feeding._**


	2. Steven Grant Rogers

**There have been numerous requests for a follow up, and I regret that I haven't had the time to do one. Although I am trying to finish "****_For There to be Light",_**** I do admit that even I can get stuck and lack inspiration. However, in the wise words of Yoda**

**"****_Do or do not; there is no try."_**

**So, to my fellow Kiwi's and our Aussie neighbours across the ditch, happy ANZAC day, lest we forget, because here is the rules which are not to be said around Captain Steve Rogers.**

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**_Things not to be done or said around Captain Steven Grant Rogers/ Captain/ Cap/ Steve/ Stevie/ Rogers/ Capsicle/ Jolly Rogers/ Star Spangled Man with a Plan._**

_Brought to you by the Avengers (and some non-Avengers), and various personal of Stark Industries._

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1) Don't call him old man, or insinuate that because of his age (including time spent in ice) he is incapable of leading the team.

\- _"…disrespectful, and if I hear one more word about retirement, I don't care if it's in jest or not, I will tie your feet to weights and send you to the bottom of whatever river is nearby. Comprendé?" _

_The trainees nodded fearfully, none of them wanting to risk the Captain's ire during one of the most brutal training sessions they'd ever had. Captain America turned away, and began muttering to himself._

_"Back in my day, trainees had a lot more respectful for their superior officers. Hell, if we even _breathed_ about Colonel Phillips getting old, he'd send us through the obstacle course over and over again. If this is the future of America, we're doomed. Disgrace to America, that's what they are. Absolute disgrace."_

\- **_SHIELD Trainees_**

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2) Don't mention Vietnam. Ever.

\- _"…bad enough that we just got out of one conflict with the Nazi's, and then they throw themselves into another one, shedding the blood of America over a conflict that was utterly pointless, and then we left! We surrendered, because we got our asses handed to us by the natives who didn't even want us there in the first place! If I wasn't in ice then, I would have a fair few words to say to Eisenhower about that…"_

_Bucky stood in front of Steve, eyes wide. Natasha, fresh from Dubai, walked in, and stopped._

_"You asked him about the Vietnam War, didn't you?"_

_"I only wanted to have the briefing on it, not the Captain America lecture on it."_

\- **_Bucky_**

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3) Or the Korean War either.

\- _"…taking over South Korea to prevent the rise of Communism! Totally ridiculous! I don't understand why America's government is falling apart and making stupid decisions like this…"_

_"Alright, who mentioned the Korean War?!"_

_"Guilty. Sorry! It's funny to see his reaction. No, Taaassshhhhaaa!_

\- **_Clint_**

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4) Let him, Bucky and Thor spar together.

\- _"Guys. I know I'm rich and all, but please. At the rate that they go, I'll be bankrupt by fixing the training room alone, and Pepper complains about the noise from her office. Just…two of you at a time, please? Or I'll set Bruce on you all."_

\- **_Tony_**

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5) His birthday is 4th of July. Don't make him an apple pie; he's sick of them after the SHIELD leak.

\- _"Hey, Mister America! Happy Birthday!"_

_"Um…Ms. Lewis, this is…very thoughtful of you, but…"_

_"I thought, since your Captain America and all, you needed a cake, but cakes are too mainstream, so I made you an apple pie instead. And it's Darcy, Mister. Ms. Lewis makes me sound old."_

_"Ma'am, I…"_

_"Enjoy!"_

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_"Note: Apple pie #543, from Darcy Lewis, sent to deep freeze for eating later."_

_"Note made, Captain. Shall I store it in your personal files, or hide it within my server?"_

_"Within the server, thank you Jarvis. I don't want Tony to blab."_

_"Yes, Captain."_

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\- **_Darcy_**

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6) Try to out drink him. The Incident of 2015 is not to be repeated, nor mentioned within the Tower.

\- _"And it's just soooooo hard, hearin' 'bout ev'ry body's iss…isth…problems these days. There's just no looooveee out…there, and…and…and…ev'ry onesshh sho focusssssed on money and fame and…an…an…stuff. WHERE'S THE LOOOOOVVVVVE!?"_

\- **Sam**

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7) New Year's Kisses. He's a gentleman; cheek only, or he'll think that he's taking advantage of you.

\- _"It is tradition in America, no?"_

_"Um…yes…but…well…"_

_"Then what is the problem, Captain?"_

_"Uh…well…you see…"_

\- **_Wanda_**

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8) Make him watch the reruns of his films made during World War Two.

\- _"This is amazing, I never knew that these were put on reel!"_

_"Uh…well…they played them in cinemas at the time, so I would assume…oh god, I remember that one. One of them kept looking at the camera, so we had to do it over and over again."_

_"Oh, look! He tripped over his gun, and now you're coming on screen!"_

_"This is so embarrassing."_

\- **Coulson**

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9) Give him ice-cubes in any drink; PTSD.

\- _"It's one of the hottest summers we've had in New York. Drink?"_

_"Thanks. So, what's this new thing you're working on with…?"_

_"Steve?"_

_"Ice…there was ice…cold…"_

_._

_"Ah, sorry about that."_

\- **Bruce**

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10) Change his uniform to German colours with the Swastika instead of the star.

\- "_Oh come on, Captain, it's a joke. You Midgardians take everything so seriously; loosen up! It's all in the past; a mere seventy years ago, just chill. Ah, oops…didn't mean that literally…"_

\- **Loki**

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11) Crawl into his bed after a mission when he's asleep; he's not a teddy bear (but his hugs are fantastic).

\- _"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Tasha, what the hell…"_

_"Shuddup, Steve. I'm cold, you're warm, and Thor snores loudly."_

_"That's great, Tasha, but that doesn't explain why you're hugging me."_

_"Teddy bears don't talk, Steve, so shut up."_

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_"Don't tell anyone, Tasha, or I'll get everyone on my bed."_

_"I'm a selfish person; I'm not sharing."_

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\- **Natasha**

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12) Interrupt his morning runs; it's his chill time.

\- _"On your left. On your left. On your left. On your…OOWWW!"_

_"Sorry Maximoff, didn't see you there."_

\- **Pietro**

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13) Startle him while he's drawing.

\- _"Ah, my apologies Captain, I wasn't aware you were pursuing the arts at this time. I do apologies for the intrusion, but the Man of Iron wishes to speak with you. Does Midgardian art normally have such lines across the picture?"_

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\- **Thor**

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14) Let any secretaries flirt with him.

\- "_Steve, I am so sorry that it happened; I should have warned you that Christina liked to flirt with everyone, but I honestly didn't expect her to…uh…feel you up and kiss you. She'll be reprimanded for such unprofessional behaviours anyway, so don't stress. Maybe, however, you should just email. Most of the secretaries tend to flirt with any of the Avengers any way._

\- **Pepper**

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15) Lie to him; he doesn't appreciate it.

\- "_NICHOLAS J. FURY, I'VE HAD IT TO HERE WITH YOU!"_

_"Captain, I was well within my rights to not tell you the whole truth, because…"_

_"BECAUSE WHAT?! YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO FIND OUT THAT YOU CONDEMNED MY TEAM TO DIE IF WE HADN'T MADE IT OUT THANKS TO A TIP OFF FROM ONE OF OUR OWN AGENTS!? Next time, you can go in yourself and see what it felt like, because the Avengers are on medical and stress leave."_

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_"Shit…_

\- **Fury**

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16) Insult him in Gaelic.

\- "_What did you just say to me?"_

_"You heard?"_

_"One generally does when someone calls them an 'inconsiderate chauvinist who thinks he's invincible just because he has nice arms and abs to die for'."_

_"Um…"_

_"It pays to know a little about a person's background before you insult them, Maria."_

_"I didn't know you spoke Gaelic."_

_"Ask Bucky about it. He can tell you a few good stories where it came in handy."_

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\- **Maria**

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17) Let him speak in different languages in the Tower, especially when only one other person knows what he's talking about.

\- "_Look, he and Hill are at it again."_

_"For god's sake Clint, just let it go. Just because you're the only one who speaks less than three languages."_

_"Stark speaks three?"_

_"English, Italian and French."_

_"Still don't know what they're speaking in Tasha."_

_"Clint, shut up."_

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_"I know you speak to him in Russian, and he speaks Czech with the Maximoff twins. Italian with Tony, and Japanese with Bruce, so what the hell is the language that he speaks with Hill?"_

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_"Barton, shut your trap, before I shut it for you. Permanently."_

\- **_Clint_**

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**Thanks for reading! Drop me a review, and tell me which Avenger you want to see next.**

**Cheers,**

**Siofra.**


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